a DARE to live fully

"When life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate.

When life is bitter, say thank you and grow."

~Shauna Niequist

My latest 'literary obsession' is a book called One Thousand Gifts: A dare to LIVE FULLY Right where you are. It's about a woman who found herself in a deep depression, her heart full of loss, sadness and despair. 

In a desperate attempt to break free of her depression, she dove headfirst into scripture, and emerged holding a nugget of truth that ended up saving her life. 

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

~ 1st Thessalonians 5:16-18 (emphasis mine) 

And then a friend presented her with a challenge that put this scripture into action.

"Write down 1,000 things that you love."

She found a notebook and began filling it with thanks. One by one, she would record each little gift that she received from the Lord every day. From big things, like her son surviving an accident, to little things, like the tinkling of the wind chime on her back porch, she named the gifts one by one. 

They were little gifts, little miracles... things that she had previously glossed over in her hurry to get from one moment to the next.

She noticed that as she named gifts... she gave them meaning. 

"To name a thing is to manifest the meaning and value God gave it- to name a thing is to bless God for it and in it."

~ One Thousand Gifts

(photo from Pinterest (obsessed)- I WISH I could take credit for this one!) 

This season of my life is a season covered in love, doused in blessing, and filled with grace. But I'd be lying if I said that there weren't days that I wake up feeling exhausted by pouring out day after day- tired of trying to get from point A to point B in foreign cities- and wanting to physically harm the next person who stares at me like a zoo animal, or yells 'MUNZUNGU' (white person), while pointing and laughing. 

On Valentines Day, we hit the halfway mark of the year. We have officially been on the race for just over 5 ½ months. 

And now, with 5 ½ left, it's amazing that it can feel like an eternity, and a breath all at the same time. 

I do not want to waste a moment of this trip (or this life, for that matter). I want to soak in every single moment. Because each moment is a gift chosen for us by our Father, a God who knows us intimately, who is the giver of the BEST gifts. (Matthew 7:9-11) 

And that's where One Thousand Gifts comes in.

"Giving thanks for one thousand things is ultimately an invitation to slow time down with weight of full attention."

~One Thousand Gifts

And what I'm learning is that regardless of whether the gift is instantly sweet on my lips, or whether it takes awhile for me to break past the bitterness to appreciate the goodness... they are both designed for my good and for my growth 

"In all things God works for the good of those who love him and who are called according to his purpose."

~Romans 8:28

So I too, found a notebook, and began to fill it with thanks. One after another, recording every little gift and blessing I could think of- some of them sweet and in naming those I celebrate... and some of them bitter... and in naming those, I grow. 

38. Feeling beautiful.

Before coming on the race, it was more obvious than ever that I was drowning under the weight of some serious and debilitating insecurity.

It wasn't specific insecurity... more of an overall termite problem in the foundation of my identity and my worth.

It ate away at everything. Joy, peace, love, confidence... it was all being destroyed by insecurity. 

But in the past six months, Jesus has absolutely transformed me. 

It HURT...a lot. It was not quick, and it was not easy.

But it was incredibly worth it.

Jesus untangled me from chains that I didn't know weren't actually a part of me. He dug down into my heart and dug out insecurity so that it has not, and will never come back.  

Now, I am tall. I am confident. I am secure. I know who I am because I know who loves me, and who created me. And I know that because of him... I'm perfect.

There's a confidence that glows from the deepest part of your heart when you know you're loved by the Creator of the universe. And I can say, without shame, hesitation, or fear of being thought cocky- that I am beautiful, loved, cherished, chosen and adored. 

THAT is my identity. 

92. Actually KNOWING who I AM.

99. Inspiration 

I am, by nature, a dreamer. But in the past few years... my dreams have been on the small-ish side, as I was just unsure how to dream without stepping outside of God's plan for my life.

What I'm learning is that God's desire for me is much larger, much better (and sometimes much more intimidating) than anything I could come up with on my own, and in dreaming... I'm stepping INTO that, not stepping OUT. 

And to drive that point home, in the past month God has begun to whisper some pretty crazy dreams into my heart. 

They are dreams that make NO sense. They are the riskiest, most terrifying, most EXCITING thoughts to ever cross my mind.

Sometimes they take over my brain- filling my heart with doubt and fear. They keep me up at night as I try to iron out the logistics- wondering how in the WORLD this is going to feasibly work.

But as much as the dreams have me tossing and turning for fear of falling flat on my face, they also keep me up at night because I couldn't be more excited.

(Ugh... Pinterest- why do I love you so much?) 

My heart pounds, and I can barely breathe. I don't want to fall asleep because getting lost in the possibilities, God's possibilities, that swirl and dance in my mind, is so much better than anything that my mind can dream up in my sleep.

Plans and dreams and talents and degrees even (YES I may actually use my college degree) are falling into place in the most perfect way- in a way that has my heart and my passions stamped all over it. 

129. The development of kingdom dreams.

163. A Father who is patient with me no matter how long it takes me to learn a lesson.

I used to think that 'faith' was one of my spiritual gifts. The past month or so would beg to differ.

Reading my prayer journal is a joke because it is full of me fighting, wrestling, and arguing with God over things that I have laid in his hands, and then want to snatch back, convinced that he's not going to do a good enough job with my precious treasures. 

In response to my lack of trust, he has started doing something that I find incredibly annoying. 

He's proving me wrong... over and over and over again. 

God has made some pretty hefty promises to me. Ever since I realized that I could actually hear him speaking to me, he's been telling me a lot of beautiful and wonderful things that I just find a little hard to believe.

So in a way that I am sure has Him laughing a little bit at his cleverness, he is showing me that I'm wrong- that I DO hear his voice, that what he says DOES happen, and that I CAN trust him. 

It's like he's trying to prove he's good or something. Whatever. 

159. Watching prophecy come true.

On Valentines Day, I told Jesus that I really wanted the program, Photoshop. As my mind has become a hotbed for inspiration/color/photography/writing/design and anything else creative you can think of- I thought that Photoshop would be an appropriate next step. 

So... figuring it was worth a shot... I asked him for it. 

And this was his response: "I'll get you a copy of Photoshop baby. Maybe for Valentines Day." 

Trying to make him look good, I considered asking my parents for a little 'love day gift.' However, I figured that asking them for a $500 gift, when they're already generously stocking my bank account this year... probably wasn't my best idea. 

Yet a few hours later, I was the proud owner of Photoshop. A friend of mine had a copy of it and was happy to give it to me. It didn't work on his computer- yet somehow it worked on mine. 

Jesus gave me Photoshop for Valentines Day. Just like he said he would.

Every day, Jesus tells me something, and every day it comes true. 

Exactly like he says it would.

161. Being reminded over and over that I really HEAR God's voice. 

I don't mean to sound ungrateful, and I know that I do. But this is the bitter gift that I'm being handed. Situations are flooding my life that I have zero control over, that I care about more than I want to, that I have to trust Jesus with... completely.

I'm angry that my heart is on the line in a place where I can't touch it. I am angry and frustrated, and the easiest person for me to take that out on is Jesus- mostly because I know that he'll continue to love me through it. 

Yet, despite my immature, and childlike behavior right now... I know that his insistence that I learn to trust him is the most beautiful gift he could give me. 

And I also know that hearing the voice of the Lord is an enormous gift as well. 

It's just one of those gifts you wish could have come in a different package. One of those lessons that's bitter to swallow.

Yet, whether the gifts are bitter or sweet, you can be sure that every single day of my life (and yours) is jam packed with gifts from the Lord. 

Some days are sweet, and I say thank you and celebrate. 

122. Good friends

125. Long walks on red dirt roads through beautiful jungle-y mountains

155. Living in GORGEOUS Rwanda

142. Zooming through Kigali on the back of motorcycles, everywhere we go.

23. Realizing that my French lessons actually worked... and that I actually SPEAK FRENCH. 

And some days are bitter, and I say thank you and grow.

52. Learning to trust. 

67. The comfort of God's truth and word. 

31. The fact that God will never leave me or forsake me- even when I'm a brat.

"Daily discipline is the door to full freedom, and that discipline to count to one thousand gave way to the freedom of wonder and I can't imagine not staying awake to God in that moment, in the joy of now."

~One Thousand Gifts

"I want my every day to make God belly laugh, glad he gave life to someone who loves the gift!"

~Cold Tangerines