Is it fair to say that I hate India? Maybe not.
Is it fair to say that I am ready to get out? Absolutely.
I'm sitting at the airport in Chennai, India, trying to sort through what in the WORLD happened this last month.
For most of my life, people have tried to explain a passion for cooking to me. They explain it as the art of combining tastes, textures and colors. For me... cooking still feels like a gigantic waste of time, but I'm learning and beginning to appreciate it. (I cooked for our group of 20 TWICE this month!)
Instead, for me, words are like food. They're delicious, they're intricate, each has a different color, flavor, and texture. Arranging them in patterns and in combinations that make them mean something rich is a greater joy than I can possibly explain to you.
But despite my love for words... this month I've had a massive case of writers block. Maybe it's not writers block exactly... it's more of a conceptual block, a block of understanding. It's an overall confusion that is not at all conducive to turning around and then explaining experiences and meaning to others.
I'm sitting in the airport, desperate to shed this month more than I'm desperate to shed the dirty clothing that's been on my body for a good 24 hours already- with many more hours to go.
I feel so heavy. I feel as if something is sitting on my chest, weighing down my shoulders, pulling at my face. This month has been a month of fighting, of frustration, of defensiveness.
I lay in bed a few nights ago, beating myself up because I realized that I've been exhibiting exactly zero of the fruits of the Spirit. I haven't been patient, I haven't been kind, I haven't been joyful, I haven't been loving, I haven't been any of those things.
My mind hasn't been the sparkly, positive, inspired place that I normally love to get lost in.
That all has been replaced with a quick temper, anxiety, and the feeling that people are trying to take things from me CONSTANTLY. Every moment of every day has been a fight, a strain. I don't know if I've taken a deep breath in a month.
India is an incredibly tough country. There's trash everywhere, and you're inundated with the constant, blaring honking of horns. The streets are crowded beyond belief with cars, motorcycles, tuk tuk's, cows, dogs, people, and a million other things. There is no such thing as a lane... people swerve in and out. I can't tell you how many times I thought I was going to be broadsided by a bus as a gutsy tuk tuk driver darted across the intersection.
Nothing is regulated here. Lines are a concept that nobody understands, and everywhere I am... no matter where I am... crowds of men will shove in front of me, completely ignoring the fact that I had been waiting patiently.
Everywhere we go we're pestered by crowds... men shove around us almost abusively, or try to con us into doing something we don't want to do (buying things, tuk tuk rides etc).
Everywhere we go, we are charged at the VERY LEAST, twice of what something is actually worth... and we've become painfully aware of the fact that everywhere we go, we're getting scammed in some way or another.
I don't mean to complain about the discomfort of travel- trust me, I'm well versed in that. The problem is that India has made us into something we never wanted to be... we're fighters. Every single one of us... we've become hardened and defensive. And we've had to.
Being on all girls teams, we've had to fight for ourselves. There is nobody else to look out for us- nobody to defend our case, and in a country where women aren't worth a whole lot, we've had to fight HARD to be heard, taken seriously and respected (and we didn't win very often.)
I've found myself being passive aggressive and sometimes just plain aggressive.
I don't at all feel like the tall, regal, graceful woman I have been becoming these last few months. I feel short, squatty, scrappy, and like I got my dress dirty by getting in so many street fights.
Walking down the road in India is a battle, finding the bathroom is a battle, buying bananas is a battle, transportation is more like a WAR, and the whole thing has left me exhausted, jaded and HEAVY.
I hate having a negative attitude. I could 'positive attitude' my way out of a box if I had to. I could tell you why it's a good thing that the glass is only half full! But this month, not completely succumbing to the stress, the chaos, and the negativity of India has taken it all out of me.
I know that God is good... and I know that he knew full well that this would be a tough month for me. I know that it wasn't an accident, and he's taking me deeper into trusting him, into refining me (pulling some ugly out of me, that's for sure).
Our ministry, although extremely varied and unpredictable, was unbelievably fruitful. My relationship with the Lord is deeper and more beautiful than ever. And sprinkled throughout the dirt, the stress and the chaos were beautiful little reminders that God was there, and that he cares that I love balloons and fireworks and diet coke.
---A few days later---
The second we arrived in Kenya (for our four month debrief), I could breathe again. We walked out into the sunshine at the airport, met by a cool breeze and the nicest friendliest people in the world. There was no crowd, there was no honking and there were no people pestering me to get in their taxi.
Within five minutes of being on the bus to our hostel, I saw three giraffes... like, actual giraffes... in the wild. It was amazing!
I was looking out the window at a landscape that looked comfortingly like Ghana (where I spent the summer two years ago.) I was listening to the song 'Sweetly Broken' by Jeremy Riddle, and remembered, with joy and a touch of nostalgia, being sweetly broken by mission work in Costa Rica a few years ago.
I began to look back on my relationship with God- the beginning till now.
Memories of his faithfulness flickered before my eyes, and I snuggled into them like a warm coat or a fuzzy blanket. My relationship with the Lord was beautiful in the beginning, and he provided for me everything I needed. And here, years later, it's still beautiful and he still provides for me everything I need. But now it feels a little bit more seasoned, like it's been through some hard times, is a little smudged, but that it's stronger than ever.
We've been through a lot- God and I... but over time, and throughout India, we've gotten better... like fine wine.
So here we are- Africa is a completely new season, and I'm ready.
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