The He Man Woman Haters Club

Let me start by saying that I've always loved boys. I had my first crush in preschool (the guy who broke up with me because I got a bad haircut... shallow jerk... just kidding) and I still have my last crush.

Suffice it to say that manly appeal has never been lost on me. I've always been keenly aware of the opposite sex and their attractive qualities.

Women on the other hand... I'm just confused.

For the life of me, I can't put myself into a man's shoes, and see why they find us attractive. I guess because I have curves, my hair always smells good (not this year... but generally), and I'm just USED to being a girl, knowing the ins and outs that go into womanhood... I just don't see the appeal.

Don't get me wrong- I adore the women in my life, and when it's just us... I think we're AWESOME. I see strong, beautiful, hysterical women. The women in my life are warriors for God, love fiercely and fight with all they have for the people in their lives. They're amazing.

The part I don't understand is why men want women for themselves... and I think it's because I genuinely never hear about it.

I've been on the other end of a MILLION conversations where women are gushing about men. "His laugh, that smile, those eyes, that butt..." (Just kidding.)

I have watched my girlfriends sob with the most longing of hearts over men, but I haven't really seen the opposite be true. Ever. I can't think of a conversation where a man has mentioned to me how beautiful a woman was (in a way that isn't sexual or demeaning... THAT I've heard.) I've never heard a man truly LOVE a woman, and desire her to be his partner, and in his life forever.

 

I have had a lot of friends that are male, but most of them claimed that they did not want girlfriends. Like a broken record, I've heard the words, "I just don't want a relationship," "I don't think I'll ever get married," "This girl wont leave me alone... but I'm not interested." I have heard those phrases repeated more times than I could possibly count, and have watched even AMAZING guy friends of mine treat girls as something they just don't really want, and definitely don't need in their lives.

And somewhere along the way I took those words to heart... and began to think that that's what all men thought about all women... all women including me. I began to feel superfluous, extra, and unnecessary.

Since I never hear anything from men other than how much they love their guy friends, how much they regard marriage as the end of their fun, and I hear them complain about girls as either clingy, needy, or annoying... I've spent my life trying to prove that I'm not a fun killer, and trying to not be needy, clingy, or annoying. I've decided not to SPEAK to guys that I've liked before because I didn't want to come across that way.

I've been battling in similar pools of garbage for the past few months, but like a well, I just keep getting deeper and finding more and more junk.

So just after I realized that I really don't see why men would want to marry a woman, and that I don't really see the value in my gender, (I can't believe I'm saying that) I arrived in the Sarlahi region of Nepal.

After eight hours of harrowing turns through the mountains, and barreling our way through a desert, we finally landed in the bush. It's green, it's lovely, but it's definitely the bush.

We sat down with Christian, our team leader, to hear about our ministry, and he began to tell us about the area. Our contact warned him that when World Race teams come here, the women on the teams often find themselves struggling with identity and self-worth. PERFECT.

I guess the area we're living in is an area that is very serious about dowries. Having a daughter is seen as a curse, because at some point you have to shell out money and essentially buy her a husband. Having a son is a blessing because you RECEIVE money when he gets married. To make matters worse, if families can't afford a dowry, they can hire people to come and kill their daughter. It's better for her to be dead than not married, and if they can't afford to pay a man to marry her, she's superfluous, extra, and unnecessary.

And if this isn't enough, men seriously only get married for the money and to have someone to bear their children. So they don't value their wives at all.

When we got to Kathmandu, we were hit like a brick wall with a TON of cultural restrictions, one of which is that we can, under NO circumstances play cards or drink. I guess that gambling has gotten so bad here in Nepal that men had been gambling away their wives and children, and drinking has gotten so bad that men come home drunk and nearly kill their families, so Nepali Christians steer away completely.

When we're at ministry, the men will shake Christian and Wes's hands, skip over me and move onto the next man. It's unbelievable.

So here I am, having realized that I truly don't understand the value that my gender brings to the table, realizing that I've tried to become more like a man in the way I relate to men... not ever wanting to show weakness, or any hint of needing anything, and I'm placed in an area where women seriously don't have any value.

Coincidence? Probably not.

God is already hard at work.

God, the strategic genius that he is, decided to put me on a team this year with two fabulous men. Christian and Wes are amazing. They are phenomenal men of God, are powerful and strong, but they also love us EXTREMELY well.

Christian and Wes have been privy to many conversations about the ins and outs of being a girl... and LOTS of things that they never wanted to hear (including one time when we literally prayed over my teammate's uterus.) But never have they really truly made us feel gross, unattractive or like a burden in any way. The have sat through countless times where one of us has been crying about something or another, and they stay engaged and caring until the issue is resolved and our tears are dry.

They pray for us instantly and without being asked, they are not overwhelmed by our 'girly-ness' but instead dig into our hearts, determined to find freedom along side of us, and help us realize more fully the incredible women that God has intended us to be.

They brag about us constantly, saying that they've been placed with the most awesome, relaxed, easygoing girls, and sometimes opt out of wandering around cities with other guys from our squad in favor of shopping with us, because they legitimately love hanging out with us. The other night Wes told us that we have revolutionized his idea of women, and we have showed him how amazing Christian women truly are and he swore to us that he'd never again settle for less.

They are INCREDIBLE.

But there's more... 

Christian has a very serious and very wonderful girlfriend named Leah. And it's watching Christian love Leah (even though she's a kagillion miles away in Oklahoma) that has completely challenged the way I view relationships, and the way I see men relating to and valuing women. 

Christian is in LOVE, and if you ask him... and even if you don't, he'll tell you so.

I know so much about Leah, and I could list for you every reason why he loves her... or at least a lot of them. But I wont. I know that Leah loves scarves, that she lived in India for three months a few summers ago, I know what color her eyes are, and how much Christian loves her gorgeous red hair... it is no secret from anyone that he loves her... but it's especially not a secret from her.

Christian, every chance he gets, tells her how much he adores her. He affirms her, he surprises her, and last week he recorded 45 minutes of himself playing worship music and sent it to her so that they could worship together. He pursues her with purpose and intention and loves her extremely well.

All of this is awesome to see- but the thing that is most astounding to me is hearing just how much she is worth to him.

Tonight when I mentioned this topic, Christian told me that next to Jesus, Leah is the best thing that has ever happened to him. He said that having a Christian woman in his life is literally the greatest gift he's ever been given. I've never heard a man say that before.

Tonight Christian referenced the Proverbs 31 woman, which is funny because for the past week, I've found myself flipping to that bit of scripture regularly.

In talking about the wife of noble character, it says, "she is worth far more than rubies....her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her."

And the note in my bible says that 'blessed' refers to 'one who enjoys happy circumstances and from whom joy radiates to others." Her husband celebrates her noble character, and agrees that she is indeed worth far more than rubies.

This woman doesn't sound like anything but a total joy in this man's life. It sounds like she's an irreplaceable part of his world, and that she is needed, valued, and worthy in the lives of her family. She is praised for her goodness, and is a joy to her husband and children.

And that's what Christian said to us this evening. As Christian women, as women who are truly loved by and love Jesus, it is now in our very nature to love as Christ loves. And he told us that to be loved like Christ loves by a woman on this earth is the greatest gift he could have ever imagined. Which is AWESOME.

Hearing him explain this, and reading this scripture, I'm just praying that this reality sinks from my head and down into the deepest places of my heart. But it hasn't quite gotten there yet.

The worst part about this is that I can really see how this has affected my ability to receive and understand love. Even being loved incredibly well, which I HAVE been, I haven't been able to receive it in the deepest way that I know that it was intended, because of the deep misunderstanding in my heart.

I've internalized this, the fact that women aren't desired by men... not in a real, forever kind of way, so deeply that human love, even redemptive human love, can't really even break through.

I have thought this through, I've sought truth, I've dug into the lie, I've uncovered the ugly and now it's time to see it go. Jesus knows the drill though... to the shovel we go.

I'm ready to turn in my card to the 'He Man Woman Haters Club.'

Afterward:

Nepal had the opposite effect on me that it was predicted to have. In looking around at the woman here in Nepal, I was absolutely captivated by their beauty. I felt like the paparazzi with how many pictures I was taking of them. From little girls, to old women, I saw such beauty radiating from their faces that I couldn't help but stare.

They are wise, they are lovely and they are jewels in a place full of poverty.

Adorned in the most beautiful outfits I've ever seen, colorful sari's draped over them, they'd work in the fields hacking down sugar cane, or carrying huge loads of hay. They took care of their children, worked the land, walked around the villages with purpose and strength, while looking flawlessly and stunningly feminine, and I was amazed.

Through watching these women simply 'be' I was so overcome with love for my gender, and with appreciation of our value as mothers, as workers, as partners in life, as sisters, friends and daughters, that I can't even believe that I ever felt differently.