India looks NOTHING like Christmas

This blog is not going to be nicely wrapped with a sparkly bow on top.

And that's precisely the problem. Somewhere along the line, I ran out of sparkle, and I have absolutely no idea what happened.

The transition between Nepal and India hasn't been the easiest.

I love my new team and being a team leader is becoming easier and more natural. I've also been blessed with spending this month with two of my newest best friends. I have a bed, wifi, and don't have rats, mosquitoes or lizards infesting my bedroom... It's a Wonderful Life... or at least it should be.

But arriving in India looked nothing like I thought it would. No picture or movie of India prepared me for what I've seen here. I'm in a city... a western looking (for the most part) city. I ate Pizza Hut for lunch yesterday and there's a rumor of a Taco Bell somewhere in town. Nothing about Bangalore looks particularly Indian, and I can't help but disappointedly think that I'm missing out. But that's just the beginning. 

Christmas time is my favorite time of year. It's a time of celebration, where things slow down, and it's ok to let your inner child imagine with stars in its eyes. It's the time of year when you're allowed to dream big dreams. It's a time of love and joy and big red bows and Michael Buble. I love Christmas and look forward to it all year. I have never been away from home on Christmas and never ever wanted to be.

But here I am, looking out the window of a coffee shop in southern India, at palm trees, and tuk tuk's speeding by. It is NOT beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

More than anything right now, I want to be in Colorado. I want to be wrapped up in a cozy sweater, tromping through crunchy snow in a pair of boots, with a scarf tossed around my neck.

I want to be strolling down the streets of Denver, lights twinkling in the trees above my head. I want to tote around a holiday Starbucks cup, and breathe in smells of cider and mint. I want to feel snow falling, tickling my face and resting in my hair.

I want eggnog.

I want to be at my parents' house, listening to my mom play the piano, and my dad play guitar under the tree. I want to see my Christmas stocking lined up above our fireplace, cozily snuggled up with those of my family.  

I want to drive up to the lighted star on the top of Flagstaff in Boulder and watch the lights shining in the miniature-looking town below.

My heart hurts thinking about all of the things I'm missing this season. Are my parents going to put up my stocking this year? Of course they are! But how sad for it to sit there and just remind them that I'm not there.

It's not that Christmas sparkle is lacking here in India. My friend Amanda and I bought a Christmas tree and surprised our teams with a tinsel-ed room complete with paper snowflakes. I've been listening to Christmas carols on repeat and the background of my computer is a collage of every winter-y looking picture I could find.

Today I went to a Christmas show at the special needs school where we've been volunteering. At the end of the program, I found myself up on the stage, singing carols for all of the Indian parents who had come to see their children perform (just normal life...). Then I went to an orphanage with the special needs students, as they sang for the orphans, wanting to give back and spread Jesus' love. 

The Christmas spirit isn't missing here in India... but it's missing from me. For some reason, the sparkle feels like it has vacated my heart... leaving it looking like the house on the street that somebody forgot to decorate.

I am tired. We all are. I have had a ton of down time, but for some reason it just doesn't feel like enough. My quiet times are cranky and all over the place instead of tranquil and intimate. My camera has been gathering dust, as I look around completely uninspired by the world surrounding me.

I realize that I sound incredibly selfish and ungrateful as I'm India for Christmas... and complaining about it... but something's off. There's something wrong with me!

I have had the hardest time putting together a blog because I can't figure out for the life of me what God is teaching me right now.

A few days ago I caught myself thinking of God like a shooting star. If you close your eyes for just one second, you'll miss Him. I forgot that God is infinitely big and in everything around us. I began to think that if I made any sudden movements, if I didn't hold my breath, He'd be gone. I began to wonder what I had done wrong that I wasn't feeling His presence in my life as directly as I was just a few weeks ago.

People keep asking me what's wrong. Instead of my eyes being full of light, sparkling with joy and ideas and love... I feel empty, I feel dark, I feel like joy vacated my body and put it up for lease. I have to really be conscious of my demeanor, not wanting to make anyone else as tired and frustrated as I feel.

On top of all of that, I feel guilty and confused. How am I feeling so coal-like, so expressionless, so emotionless, as the rest of the world is celebrating my BEST FRIEND, my savior, my love... Jesus. How could my heart not be exploding with fireworks as the rest of the world jumps in to celebrate the center of my world... and with lights, cookies, and sprinkles! 

My heart hurts. It hurts because I miss my family. It hurts because I hate missing all of the beautiful things that I appreciate so much about Christmas. It hurts because I hate being without sparkle. I hate seeing the world for anything less than the beautiful surprise and celebration that it is. And my heart hurts because I miss Jesus. I miss him more than anything... and I don't know how in the world I all of a sudden feel so far from him.

I know what needs to be said right now- that a relationship with the Lord isn't an emotion, but that love is a decision. I know that sometimes for a season, He steps back a bit, never out of reach, but not speaking quite as loudly... drawing us into deeper intimacy with Him.

I know all of those things are true. I know that He'll never leave me, never forsake me, and He's always here, always near, and always loving me.

But right now, that doesn't make me feel better. I want my sparkle back. I want to celebrate and toast, with glittery champagne, my blessed savior- the love of my life... and I want to do it with a heart that is awake, alive, and fully engaged, full of joy and laughter.

And I'm just not at all sure how to make that happen.

So there we are... with no sparkly bow on top of this one to tie it all together.