Last year, every Sunday at 3pm, I would sit in a circle of couches, surrounded by the most beautiful women I've ever met. The group was a collection of girls from various Sororities in the University of Colorado's Greek System. A variety of ages and at various stages of being Christians, some had been Christians their whole lives, and some were curious and had been dragged along by a roommate.
The first day they came in, I gave them each chocolate. I read them my favorite Donald Miller passage. His friend said that she used to think of the Bible as a salad type book... but after lying on the floor in France reading the Bible and eating chocolate, she decided definitively that the Bible was a chocolate book. And that's how I wanted my girls to start thinking about scripture... and our small group... delicious, rich, and something you absolutely can't get enough of.
I loved Sunday afternoons. Sometimes I'd go in with things planned, and sometimes they'd actually happen. Sometimes I'd go in, flying by the seat of my pants, and would get to watch what God had planned for us instead. Sometimes I would get calls in the middle of the night, girls distraught over a boyfriend, a decision, or the future. But no matter what time my phone rang, I was just so happy that I could be there to help them with whatever they were going through. I spent a RIDICULOUS amount of time at coffee shops meeting with each girl. I think Starbucks thought I was speed-dating women as I treated the corner table like my 'office.'
Last year, I got to snuggle, love, laugh with, cry with, and watch 25 amazing women take steps closer to Jesus. I can tell you from the bottom of my heart, with tears in my eyes, that it was the most rewarding thing I have ever done.
When deciding whether or not to come on the race, the biggest thing pulling me away was my desire to continue with women's ministry. I loved these girls with a part of my heart that was so deep that sometimes it even hurt. I wanted to do this forever.
But I left, praying that the same type of ministry would be waiting for me on the other side.
Coming on the World Race, I was mildly aware that there was some sort of hierarchy of leadership. All I knew was that I was under a team leader, who was under a squad leader, and I was blissfully free to not worry about anything. I became somewhat of an idyllic wanderer, as I'd trail behind the group, iPod in, taking pictures of things that caught my eye, knowing that when it was time, I'd be handed a train, plane, or bus ticket.
But somewhere in the last month or so, God began whispering something to my heart. Ideas began to spring up in my head... things that I had seen done well, or that I was passionate about that I wanted to bring to my next team (we had team changes at the end of this last month.) My mind was exploding with ideas that I wanted to do with a group of people to bring them further into the glorious freedom that I had begun to walk into.
But with 47 other incredibly capable people on my squad, it never occurred to me that God would want me in any place of leadership. It seemed like maybe that was my desire, but I didn't want to latch onto the fact that it might be His for me... I didn't want to be disappointed.
Last week, at the end of our time in Nepal, I was handed a cell phone, a water purifier and a first aid kit and asked to team lead a group of five awesome women.
I nearly peed my pants.
First of all, it was the craziest confirmation that I really legitimately AM hearing God's voice, and that when he puts a passion on my heart, and whispers to me that way, it's for a purpose. It's because he wants to DO something with it. AND... I realized that I'm going to get to do the same thing that I loved so much last year... I get to be intimately involved in the spiritual growth of five amazing women. I get to hang out with them, I get to laugh with them, I get to cry with them, and the craziest part is that instead of doing this all in a cozy room with couches, I get to do it in India, and then Africa- slightly less cozy but absolutely amazing.
God never had a choice for me to make at all. I wasn't coming on this trip to give up ministry... I was coming on this trip to be a part of ministry. He continues to weave my life together like a gorgeous Indian tapestry, and it baffles me.
However, I have to be honest with you that part of this absolutely terrifies me. I'm a dreamer, which means that 'logistics' and I have a mutual understanding that we'll keep a respectful distance from each other whenever possible. Yet, on day one I found myself in the midst of a logistical nightmare.
An hour after finding out who my team was, I headed to the hospital to be with one of my girls who had become incredibly sick a few days before. I sat in the hallway and just cried, looking at the scary, unfriendly, Nepali doctors and nurses, having no idea what to do or how to help.
I KNOW that God has equipped me for this job, but every once in a while, I start feeling really heavy, as if the weight of each girl and her relationship with the Lord is sitting on my shoulders. My new cell phone feels like a ball and chain, and I am constantly surprised when something in my bag rings... confused as to what that strange music is. My quiet times are frequently interrupted by meetings, instructions and questions from our contacts. Instead of being the one dreaming to the sound of her iPod in the back, drifting and unaware... I'm the one at the front, trying to count bills that look completely unfamiliar to me, and explain to someone who speaks VERY little English that we need 16 train tickets that will take us across India.
Until this morning, it's felt like something heavy has been sitting on my chest. Lies have been pelting my brain like target practice "you can't do this," "I can't believe you said that... that was stupid," "you aren't in a place to be leading..." for starters.
But this morning, during worship, I stood on a roof singing at the top of my lungs, and for the first time in days, I remembered who I am, who God sees me as, who he made me to be. He adores me. I'm his beloved, and he is absolutely everything I need. And he's here with me, helping me all the way.
"...Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you..." (Isaiah 43:1-2)
An amazing friend of mine, Carly, showed me this song a few days ago. It's called 'Don't Forget' by Brett Dennen. And she told me that it was what Jesus wanted to say to me right now.
"Don't forget that I believe in you. Should you forget, let me remind you that I am behind you. You are a secret waiting to be found out, soon you'll be what everyone is talking about. May you spread your love like laughter, and find whatever you're after. Open all your windows and let the music spill out... may you dance like rain upon a still lake. You make this world a beautiful place. No more crying, don't shun your light, keep shining. Wipe your tears from your sweet face. Don't be afraid should things happen to change, because change can be a beautiful thing. Should things fall apart be patient like a rainbow, life is loving and letting go."
God didn't ask me to do this job because I'm good at logistics... he called me to do this because he has a plan for me with the incredible team he's blessed me with. He's using me for this season to lead... and he's going to show us where we're going.
I'm amazed, I'm blessed, and I've spent quite a bit of time being daunted... but I'm fighting that. I have no reason to be afraid... because He's with me.
And it's sweet. Sitting around on a floor in a bedroom in India, sharing our lives, laughing, crying, and beginning a journey full of intimacy and love together is beautiful... kind of reminds me of a Sunday afternoon, delicious, rich and something you absolutely can't get enough of.
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